Awesomely Weird Alibaba EV of the Week: A $7,000 armored golf cart?

What would you get if you created the illegitimate love child of a Mercedes G-Wagon and a Brinks armored truck (and perhaps if the Mercedes chain-smoked through the pregnancy)? I think you’d wind up with something like the wacky-looking electric cart that has earned the dubious honor of being named this week’s Awesomely Weird Alibaba Electric Vehicle of the Week!

I’m not sure this is exactly an armored golf cart, so I wouldn’t invite any unnecessary potshots while cruising your hood, but I’m at a loss of how else to describe it.

It’s definitely not a “real” car, as evidenced by its US $6,999 price tag and the 30 km/h (18 mph) top speed. If you ask me though, that speed goes in the ‘advantages’ column. When you drive something that looks this good, you want to be going slow enough to give people a good, long look.

A vehicle like this is designed to send a statement. Unfortunately, I think that statement might be, “I wanted a Jeep but my spouse wanted to remodel the kitchen.”

So if it’s not a real car, then what is it?

Measuring a stubby 306 cm long (an entire half inch over 10 feet), this four-seater mini-SUV is less G-Wagon and more “Oh, gee” wagon. It can supposedly carry up to 370 kg (815 lb) in passengers or cargo, but there’s no telling how much of a dent that puts in the already challenged top speed.

Safety might also be a passing concern. It doesn’t have any seatbelts, but the tires look like they just about extend out past the front and rear, so at least you’ve got some nice shock-absorbent bumpers built into the design.

The advertisement claims a maximum range of up to 80 km (50 miles) per charge, which seems like several more miles than anyone needs from something like this.

There’s no word on battery technology, which means I’m assuming either features older lead acid tech or there’s a frunk full of lemons and a bunch of loose wires running through the firewall.

I’m glad to see that the roof rack is at least equipped with enough LED lights to make an airport runway jealous, just in case I find myself stuck in the wilds of my backyard after dark. And that roof rack even looks pretty heavy-duty, though since the cart is considerably taller than it is wide, tight turns with a heavily-loaded roof rack should probably be avoided.

As much as I love this thing, I don’t think I’ll be whipping out my credit card any time soon.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve bought plenty of bad ideas on Alibaba before. But since my $2,000 electric truck ending up costing me nearly 4x that much by the time it landed in the US, I’m a bit worried what the final price tag on a $6,999 Mini-MegaOverlander would become.

I don’t recommend anyone actually try buying this cute little TinyTrailblazer either, and I’m certainly not vouching for the vendor, who I discovered by chance while scrolling through Alibaba to procrastinate real work. Keep in mind that this is all part of a tongue-in-cheek column I write, diving into the depths of Alibaba’s weird and funny collection of awesome electric vehicles.

But hey, if someone does go that route, it wouldn’t be the first time my advice has been ignored and some awesome photos have landed in inbox several months later. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if it turns out some Nigerian prince has your last paycheck and you’re up a creek with no MicroMudder to come bail you out!